Where did you grow up and what was your childhood like? Did you have any particular experiences/stories that shaped your adult life?

I grew up in a small town in Iowa. No stoplights in what has been called a “charisma-free zone.”
Academically my life was a long slowly unfolding bad dream. I was in the part of the class that makes the upper half possible.

This was true all the way through getting a Ph.D.

When I took statistics, I was lost right after the teacher said “Good morning.”

I was a creative right-brain ADD kid miserably trying to survive in a left-brain world. I thought if I could ever get through college, I would be a high school history teacher. I believed I could make history interesting and relevant.

What is something you wish you would’ve realized earlier in your life?

Find the value in my struggles. There are often powerful lessons from our personal history if we begin to change the questions and stay curious.

Fear can be a catalyst for growth, but once it crosses a certain threshold, the brain cares first about survival before it cares about evolving. This is a major reason why highly distressed (traumatized) couples are a challenge for so many therapists.

As fear subsides, asking people what they want to learn is often more productive than asking about what they want to change.
Severe pain of all kinds can be a catalyst for character, dignity, and growth or it can be strangulation. Only the individual can choose which journey to take. And they will do it for their reasons. Not ours.

What are bad recommendations you hear in your profession or area of expertise?

Therapists that put on their websites they provide a safe non-judgmental place for people to explore their life and goals. When distressed couples read that, they assume they will not be confronted or challenged when they mistreat their partner in therapy or at home.

Being non-judgmental is a promise that therapists cannot deliver.

It is impossible for the human brain to be non-judgmental especially when witnessing aggressive interactions in couples therapy. Or a spouse expressing breathtaking entitlement without reciprocating any effort.

My second peeve is therapists whose websites say they apply evidence-based therapy in their practice. This is another big deception.

I understand this is an attempt to appear reassuringly scientific. But evidence-based approaches do not exist for highly distressed couples. Therapists who see couples ought to consider car manufacturers’ disclaimers: actual mileage may vary.

Tell me about one of the darker periods you’ve experienced in life. How you came out of it and what you learned from it?

Deep depression going through a divorce with two young daughters. It was a long slog out of hell. What did I learn? It is not easy releasing the grip of “Woe is me.” I can still visit that place from time to time. But I don’t set up residence. I need ongoing shots of inspiration in all forms.

I need to keep learning the value of struggle which can support me (and others) to become what we were meant to be. I get inspired by helping others overcome their struggles and realize the promise of their potential.

My biggest adolescent dream was teaching high school history. By learning and growing from my own academic and personal history, I still teach but reach a larger audience. I don’t think of the people in my practice as clients, but learners. We will learn together, and there is no such thing as failure if we learn from our experience.

What is one thing that you do that you feel has been the biggest contributor to your success so far?

Struggling through my second marriage with Ellyn and emerging into the light.

Because of Ellyn, I have reached the personal and professional success that I thought was beyond the reach of my Iowa roots and academic struggles.

We teach couples therapists in our Developmental Model around the world – 56 countries by now. We present at major professional conferences and have been interviewed by most major broadcast and print media.

Also knowing and applying the difference between “being right” and “getting it right. Being right is about ego and getting it right is about creating a strong loving team in marriage.

What is your morning routine?

I’m an early riser. 5 AM: read the electronic paper with two cups of coffee. Check email. Practice my tennis serves, then work on professional projects till I see clients starting at 8 or 9.

What habit or behavior that you have pursued for a few years has most improved your life?

This will be weird. It’s improving my tennis serve. I put a lot of effort into getting better and more consistent under pressure in a match.

My serve is not just about improving one aspect of my game. It symbolizes overcoming just about every insecurity in my life.

I’m not particularly athletic. But in my mind, I imagine I serve like Roger Federer. Then when I see myself on video, I look like I’m wearing wooden shorts.

However, I’m getting close to serving 100mph which is a respectable second serve at the professional level.
Overcoming the relentless frustrations at achieving this level of skill generalizes to confidence and feeling braver in other areas of my life.

I love reading and learning from the advertising profession. They are in the business of effective communication. Really good copywriters understand human nature, psychology, and motivation at very deep levels.

A good billboard ad has 2.3 seconds to get someone’s attention and keep it while communicating a key message.

I still remember a billboard for a plumbing company I saw on a major California highway. Even more astounding, I still remember their phone number.

The billboard said, “We are #1 at removing #2. Call 1-800- FLUSH NOW.”

I love creative, compelling, persuasive ads.

What are your strategies for being productive and using your time most efficiently?

This is an ongoing challenge for me and my constant traveling companion, ADD. My strategies continue to shift and evolve.

I keep experimenting with saying “No” to the lure of immediate gratification. And I keep focusing on the benefits and rewards of persistence. I read a lot of inspirational stories of people overcoming adversity and finding a way through their hell.

I like finding and solving puzzles like the following one. These puzzles are good reminders that I often look for solutions in the wrong place. The obvious is not always obvious.

(And yes, there really is a mistake)
Can you find the
the mistake?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Then I love creating the life lesson in these puzzles. Can you create one you for this puzzle?
P.S. A missing 0 is not the mistake.

What book(s) have influenced your life the most? Why?

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. It’s his survival story from Auschwitz.

The Germans had a formula that 91 days was the maximum time they could work inmates with minimal food and medical care. Then inmates were cremated. A key reason Frankl survived was his attitude. He needed powerful reasons to live, or he would simply give in to the horrors of the camp.

I revisit that perspective many times of my own turbulence. Frankl is the only person I ever asked for and got an autograph from.

The other important book is Pain: The Gift That Nobody Wants, by Paul Brand M.D., renowned hand surgeon and leprosy specialist. A moving uplifting saga of overcoming emotional, psychological pain, and physical deformities.

Periodically I would have to put the book down to let my emotions settle. My relationship with pain was improved immensely.

Do you have any quotes you live by or think of often?

One is by James Baldwin the writer. “Nothing is more satisfying than to be relieved of an affliction and nothing is more frightening than to be divested of our crutch.”

Everybody has a crutch (or coping mechanism) that inhibits their growth to go beyond an emotional or psychological affliction.
Afflictions are what we strive to release. Crutches are the learned coping mechanisms. Crutches mostly serve as a form of protection but simultaneously inhibit the release of afflictions.

When I judge something to be more important than my self-protection, bad habits, and fears I start to take action to divest a crutch.

Losing weight and getting in better shape is an example of this approach.

I have to keep identifying and strengthening the value of losing weight. This is the foundation to sustain the effort of better eating habits.